got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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