I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
