oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
