The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
