Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
