How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
