First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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