if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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