when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
