my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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