Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
