It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
