how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
