If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
