new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
