It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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