Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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