If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize