I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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