this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
