Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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