what if every blade of grass was a penis?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
