One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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