god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
