Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
