no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
