Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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