I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
