just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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