He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize