the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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