Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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