I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
