hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
