a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
