Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
