She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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