The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
