I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
