I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
