He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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