please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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