dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My vagina is officially offended.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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