I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
