who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
