When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
