Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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