why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
