Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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