so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Every concussion has its silver lining
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
