so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
