Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
