you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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