Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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