Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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