he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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