I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
