He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's not cheating when I paid for it
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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