Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
