he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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