i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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