this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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