I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
