it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
