probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
