I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
